Creative Mind

When I am stressed or unhappy about something significant in my life, I tuck back into a corner and pull a blanket over my head. Okay, not literally but figuratively this is what I do. I hide out from the things that make me tick when all is well. Things like socializing, being creative, riding my horse and doing yoga. Eventually these things find their way back to me and I know at that moment that I am on the mend.

It’s happening now and it’s very exciting.

Since I gave up making jewellery and stopped drawing things I have felt at a creative standstill. Apart from the occasional little water colour painting or quick blog post, I have been doing very little to feed my artistic hunger. I had a series of excuses though. I don’t have time, I haven’t unpacked all of my paints, I don’t have my studio space set up. Blah Blah Blah. Truthfully, I wanted to wallow in self pity for a bit.

I am proud to announce though, that I have finally woken the Hell up. I am crawling out from the under the blanket and I am on the verge of trying new things creatively. I don’t want to say what exactly yet, because I need to make sure I can pull it off first. I can say though that this is a great marriage of my style and things I have been good at in the past! Squeeee! I am pretty excited for what’s to come. It feels really good to be getting back to my old self.

Failing at Everything

Right now I am failing at pretty much everything. If real life were school, my subjects would be marriage, parenting, animal ownership, home ownership, family, friends and personal health.

Sadly, I would be re-sitting this year based on my current grades.

Marriage would be my shining star, getting the top marks but still room for improvement. Let’s give it a B,

On parenting, if we were to judge on this morning’s episode of one child who refuses to eat any sort of lunch and one mother who completely lost her mind about it at 7 am today, I would have to give myself an F.

On animal ownership, I love the three of them very much. Actually a ridiculous amount of love for these fur children but I am failing huge in one area, horse ownership. I go out twice a week at best, run a brush over her and give her treats. I think she actually loves retirement living but it does seem like an awful waste of money. On top of it all, the guilt. Everyone that knows me, knows that guilt is my go-to place. I spend part of every single day feeling guilty about the horse. For that, I will score myself a D.

Home ownership, I would rate a C at this point. I am keeping it clean and making meals but I’m still clinging to hope that I will settle into Norwich. Truthfully I am bored stiff and if not for my family, I’d be getting the hell out of dodge. C. A solid C.

Family, I am sucking big time in this subject. Apart from my sister, I have little do with any of them. The rare text from my Dad and the same from my Mom. This is where my old friend Mr. Guilt comes into play. I forever feel guilty that I don’t do enough with my Mom but for various, valid but crazy reasons, I can’t. Let’s go with a D.

In the area of friends, I am going to go with an F. I have literally let every one of my strong friendships fall by the wayside. I don’t even know who I am anymore but I certainly miss those friendships.

Last but not least we have personal health. Don’t get me started on this one. I am fatter than ever, I hate the way I look but I feel far too overwhelmed to even deal. Is it possible to grade lower than an F?

I guess that it might be time to start getting at least one subject back on track.

What They Don’t Tell You

I think that one of the biggest things I struggle with in life is dealing with such a vast array of personalities. I am by nature, not a mean person. I am a jokester and a wise-ass but I actually do not want to hurt feelings. Unfortunately I really struggle with finding that happy middle ground of playing nice but also not taking any crap. One of my favourite sayings is “do no harm but take no shit” but truthfully, some people are just jerks. They go around saying whatever pops into their tiny brains without a care or concern of how it affects others.

When we are younger, we are always told to be nice and choose our words carefully. What they don’t tell you is that through out life you are going to face a real smorgasbord of personalities. Navigating through it (without throat punching anyone) can be quite the challenge. I think the advice of our elders is still the truth, choose your words and try not to hurt but I wish I could figure out how to not let people insult me without stooping to their proverbial level. It’s so tempting to lash back at them with my witty tongue but it doesn’t feel good after. Is the key to simply cut them from my breathing space? If so, how many would be left standing??

If ever I am able to figure this out, I will certainly share the solution with my daughter. Until then I will sit here, mentally throat punching those jerks that manage to find their way into my life. Luckily I am quite a boxer in my mind’s eye.

Calm Norwich

We moved last Monday. It was a bit of a disaster. Moving is so much work to begin with but when you add one hurdle after the other, it can really test one’s nerves. No point in dwelling on the negative though as there were also lots of positives. The major one is that we love our house! I was so worried about this change and I had myself convinced that I’d hate everything about it but, the truth? I feel great about it now. We also had lots of help. It almost takes a village to make all of this happen and our village rocked!

So now, as we start working our way through a million boxes and we finish assembling all that damn Ikea furniture, our new place is beginning to feel more like home.

My sister drove us into Norwich on Monday and as soon as we got close to it she said “this feels calmer already”. This really resonated with me. She was right. Another light bulb moment was our first night sleeping there. Granted we were camped out on the couch with no pillows or bedding, drinking wine from coffee mugs but Bob said “do you hear that?”. I responded with “what?” and he said “exactly”. It was so quiet and yes indeed, it was calm.

Fields of Green

I’ve given my head a shake. I have pulled the plug on my pity party. I’ve closed the book on my tale of sob stories.

In three and a half days we will load up our moving truck and set out for greener pastures. Now that I have gotten all of my silly anxiety out of the way, I am in a much better head space.

I like to write as a way to get things off my chest or out of my head. The risk with that is exposing the raw truth to anyone that can be bothered reading. On the plus side, people offer advice to you. I share my blog on Facebook and I will admit that while it can rattle my nerves to click on “publish” I can always rely on people to weigh in on my musings. In this case, it was the kick in the ass I needed and I am feeling much better.

Life is about to change for my little family but I am now ready to embrace it. We’ve bought a really sweet little house and we are doing this. We are going to meet new people, experience new things and we are going to slow our pace down. I have to admit that this sounds appealing.

I am also going to spend some time re-connecting with myself. I am going to get back into art, get back into yoga, try some new things (I am thinking of taking up curling) and get back on my horse.I have missed poor Tina, dearly as I struggle with packing a house and working full time. Originally I looked at this as further losing who I am as a person but I have decided to see it from a different direction. This is a chance to treat myself to something new.

Thanks everyone for the thoughts, comments and gentle kicks to the ass. I needed it.

Cold Feet

I am moving in a few days. I have made many lists with the whole pro and con splits. I have also spoken to many people about this move and the lifestyle change that comes with it. I know it is the right thing to do for my family, I know it is. But there is a but, you could feel it coming, couldn’t you?

I have cold feet. As I sit in my living room having a coffee before work, for one of the very last mornings I am forced to face the reality that I don’t want to go.

Two nights ago some jerk intentionally lit two cars on fire in the parking lot right beside my house. This happened in the middle of the night and really, had it carried on for much longer I am sure that my fence and eventually my pool, hot tub and house would have also caught on fire. A few weeks ago, a man who was high on illegal drugs broke into a house down the street; threatened and held at knife point a contractor who was working on the house. When the police came, the man threatened them with a knife as well. This is not a great city to live in. These two incidents happened right on my street. They are a small dent in the other serious crap going on in my city. We are surrounded by crime. For some reason though, I don’t want to leave. I’m not a small town girl and I am really battling with losing who I am in all of this.

I will go because our house is sold and we have bought another. I will go because my husband and child really want to go. I will go because on paper it is the right thing to do. But truly, I really have cold feet. Freezing feet. I don’t want to leave my tiny little house in a bad area.

I am sick of giving up everything that is me. I don’t even know who I am anymore.

Things I’m Not Proud Of

I’ve done lots of things in life that I am not proud of. When I sit down and take a tally, it is really quite depressing. Most of them will remain deep dark secrets that very few (if any) people know. When I dwell on this subject for long enough it can sink me down to this ugly little place.

Luckily I am a stubborn old goat and despite my knock backs, I keep pushing forward. I guess there is some joy in that as the end result has been quite a good surprise. I will admit that most of the “knock backs” were self inflicted. A direct result of my awful decision making skills and that little devil on my shoulder who urges me to do naughty things.

In the end though, I have landed on my feet. I have clawed my way out of shitty places and have finally started making good decisions. Is it a maturity thing or did I finally learn from my mistakes? I may never know the answer.

I am grateful though. Despite the shit I have gone through (and truthfully put myself through), I have grown as a person. I am raising a truly awesome kid and I am married to someone who is fabulous. It’s kind of all beyond my dreams. And sometimes, I think I don’t deserve it. I’ll try to question all of this less though and just keep working on myself. I’ll also take time to sit back and enjoy the ride!

What is Going on in Their Heads?

There is a story floating around in the news right now that literally has my stomach in a knot this morning. It is one of those stories that I know I should not click on once I have seen the title. Today it was “Disturbing footage of shark dragged”. I’m faced with asking myself why I needed further clarity on this. Now I have gone and read the article and I am feeling the dark cloud of despair over it.

Don’t get me wrong, I know that rotten things exist and that people are absolutely the cruelest of the living. I don’t need to read the articles or see the posts on social media to be aware of the disgusting things that people do to other living things. Usually, I am good about skipping past and have gone so far as to “unfriend” people who constantly force these disgusting pictures and tag lines on my wall. The truth is, the impact is too large on me. I feel useless and I really struggle with the fact that I feel so bad for the victim but don’ have faith that I could ever get through to the jerks doing the crime.

I think there is truly something wrong in the heads of people that take joy in torturing something that is alive. Are they that out of touch with feeling? Are they crazy? I will never wrap my brain around it.

In the shark article that caused this post today, someone who witnessed this awful display said “it’s almost dead already.” Really asshole? That is entertainment for you? That poor shark. Those disgusting humans. What is wrong with some people??

Changes

This morning I realized that summer is half over. All that anticipation and what have I done with these delicious warm days? I’ve worked.

Change is once again in the air though. Life is really exciting right now actually.

Over a month ago I sold off my beloved bead collection. I wanted to free up space in my house and in my mind. I won’t lie and say that it’s a relief or that I sometimes don’t feel sad about it but I do think it was the right move. I was certainly losing my creative mojo and my confidence was taking a bit of a “shit kicking” if you will. You see, I am tough on myself. I know a lot of people that are. I was no longer creating jewellery to have that release. I was creating it to see if it would sell, if someone would find it worthy. Over the years, I have sold lots of my handmade jewellery. Lots and lots and lots actually. I have even made a fair living at it periodically. At some point though I lost my focus and it became about making and selling. If I made something and didn’t sell it fairly quickly my self esteem took a small hit. Every time. I get how ridiculous this is. Really, I do. But none the less, this was the nasty little reality I had painted for myself and truth be told, I am happy to be done with that.

Now I am painting and sketching. I’m kind of loving it. I am free to try new things too and I am thinking they might include pottery and glass. Maybe something with textiles. Who knows!

In the mean time, we sold our little house! I have had a love/hate relationship with that tiny old house over the years. Part of me is sad (like crying and being unreasonable sort of sad) and the other part of me is excited for what lies ahead. We are embarking on small town living! We bought an adorable house that is laid out kind of perfectly and gives us a bit more space. My mind is racing with creative touches I will put on the place and I can’t wait to make it my own.

I am nervous but hopeful about the small town thing as well. Piper and Bob love the thought and while I am someone who digs amenities, I am looking forward to trying something new. I wonder if they have pottery classes in Norwich…

Dear Child of Mine

Dear Child of Mine,

Do you have any idea how special you are? Never in a million years would I have believed how magical it is to be your Mom.

When I was younger, right up until 30 years old I would proudly profess that I never wanted to be a mother. I didn’t get all sappy and emotional when I saw people share photos or stories about their kids. I didn’t think babies were particularly cute and I certainly never had urges to hold them and smell their heads like other people seem to want to do. I was simply not interested in being a mother to anything that wasn’t a dog, cat or horse!

Somewhere along the lines though, something in me shifted. I had a complete change of heart and decided that perhaps I would want to have a child. Before I knew it, you came along and rocked my world.

I look at your gorgeous little face and your awesome little quirky eyebrows and I fall in love every single time.

I listen to your stories and watch how you carefully choose your words and I can’t believe that I had a part in creating this amazing little human.

Ever since you could speak we learned how compassionate you are. You have always cared about other people and always been mindful of not hurting anyone’s feelings. You care about nature and the earth. You love animals. And most of all, you have a moral compass that is spot on. We didn’t teach you this. You just want to do the right thing. It’s in you to be that person.

You are such an amazing child and you have made my life so much better than it was before. I know that I tell you every day how much I love you but I hope that you get how truly wonderful you are. So smart, sweet, caring and beautiful.

Dear Child of Mine, you are better than I could ever have imagined.